When Anistons Attack!

by Julie Bloom & Derek De Koff

1. According to Us Weekly, how has Jennifer Aniston gotten her revenge on Brad Pitt?

A. She sent nude photographs of Brad to Playgirl.
B. She scored the role originally played by Angelina Jolie in the sequel to Girl, Interrupted, tentatively titled Girl, Continued.
C. She gave Brad’s private cell phone number to Tom Cruise, and told Tom she’s “really, really worried” about Brad’s mental state.
D. She’s gotten a sexy new look and is now dating Vince Vaughn.
E. She’s gotten a sexy new look and is now dating Us Weekly editor in chief Janice Min.

2. Which of the following did Michael Jackson actually give as a gift to every one of his jurors following his acquittal of child molestation charges?

A. Lifetime passes to Neverland Ranch.
B. A Tiffany key chain engraved with the words: “I will love you forever.”
C. A coupon for $2 off any purchase over $10 at TCBY.
D. A year’s subscription to Barely Legal.
E. One of his old noses.

3. Us Weekly reports photographer David LaChappelle said what about Paris Hilton?

A. “She looks like the love child of Amanda Lepore and some other she-male platypus from Saturn.”
B. “She’s easier to get into than the Beverly Hills Hilton, that’s for sure.”
C. “My main problem with the Carl’s Jr. campaign is that there’s no way a cheeseburger would ever get that close to Hilton’s mouth.”
D. “She’s like my little sister, so it felt odd taking really sexy pictures of her.”
E. “She’s the worst thing to infiltrate public consciousness since the beginning of history, and I will probably spend eternity in hell for taking pictures of her.”

4. Which male star said the following, to dispel rumors of his alleged homosexuality: “I am relatively clean-cut and I do like to shop for clothes. If I had to break it down, stereotypically, that would be a gay male habit. I promise you that I very much love women.”

A. Tom Cruise
B. John Travolta
C. Ryan Seacrest
D. Vince Vaughn
E. Rob Schneider

5. According to In Touch, Leo DiCaprio recently got himself into a violent scrape. What was it?

A. His face was slashed by a woman at a Los Angeles house party.
B. He drunkenly tried to squeeze his Mercedes into the elevator at the Chateau Marmont.
C. He was seen knocking urgently on a door and screaming, “I’m your son!” in a the ghastly throes of heroin withdrawal.
D. He was knocked unconscious while roughhousing with his cat.
E. He tried to impress his girlfriend by being shot out of a cannon and screaming, “I’m king of the world!”

6. According to In Touch, Marc Anthony is a big control freak. In which of the following ways does Anthony like to exert his influence over his wife of one year, Jennifer Lopez?

A. If J. Lo doesn’t match her shoes to her handbag, he doesn’t allow her out of the house.
B. He makes her eat three peas and a scoop of mashed potatoes every alternate Thursday.
C. He chooses what color nail polish she wears.
D. Lopez must refer to ex Ben Affleck only as “that guy who was in Surviving Christmas.”
E. She puts the lotion in the basket, or she gets the hose again.

7. According to the Globe, what did Star Jones ask hubby Al Reynolds when they first met?

A. “Does this fat make me look fat?”
B. “Are you a federal agent?”
C. “Are you gay?”
D. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?”
E. “Will you marry me?”

8. What movie does Mariah Carey dream of making into a musical?

A. Meatballs
B. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
C. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
D. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
E. Oklahoma!

9. The Globe reports Sharon Stone was negligent to her adopted four-year-old child in what way?

A. She presented him on a silver plate with an apple in his mouth, smothered in a port-wine reduction, at a dinner party thrown by Joe Eszterhas.
B. She cut off all his hair and screamed, “I’m sending you to school looking like a tramp!”
C. She left him in the backseat of her chauffeured car while she dined with a mystery man at the Ivy.
D. She punished him for making doo-doos by saying, “Who did a bad thing?” and forcing him to watch Cold Creek Manor.
E. She adopted him.

10. What does In Touch say Prince Charles carries with him wherever he goes?

A. His rubber ducky.
B. His own toilet paper, double-quilted and embossed all the way through with the Prince of Wales crest.
C. A picture of him and Camilla...in the nude.
D. A leather bustier signed by all five Spice Girls.
E. Q-Tips.

11. Which of the following is the actual headline for People magazine’s recent behind-the-scenes look at a troubling medical condition:

A. Weak Ankles Stopped Me from Ever Loving Again.
B. Help! My Baby Has a Flat Head!
C. Rheumatoid Arthritis Left Me Ravaged.
D. What Pinkeye Did to My Marriage
E. My Life with Scoliosis

ANSWERS: 1) D; 2) B; 3) D; 4) C; 5) A; 6) C; 7) C; 8) B; 9) C; 10) B; 11) B