Frankly Scarlett

by Julie Bloom & Derek De Koff

1. According to the Star, what did Scarlett Johansson say about her breasts?

A. “Sometimes I look in the mirror and wish that I had three.”
B. “I’m proud of my ‘girls.’ They’re my charms.”
C. “I think I can hear them talking shit about me.”
D. “Don’t you think breasts are sort of like asses for the torso?”
E. “Jenny’s the sporty one, and Beth’s the intellectual.”

2. As reported in the New York Post, which aliases did Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt use when they checked into the Le Parker Meridien, Palm Springs, hotel a few weeks ago?

A. Bryce and Jasmine Pilaf
B. Oscar and Maya Weiner
C. Tom and Katie Cruise
D. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
E. Mr. and Mrs. Aniston

3. The Star reports that which two of the following trends are “in.”

A. Goodie bags with Botox gift certificates.
B. The term goodie, period.
C. Being quite attractive and very rich indeed.
D. Referring to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as “TomKat.”
E. Referring to Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward as “WoodStein.”

4. Who said the following in this month’s GQ: “All my bitches are mad at me right now”?

A. Dave Chappelle
B. Brad Pitt
C. Dick Cheney
D. Rosie O’Donnell
E. Norman Mailer

5. According to the Globe, which of the following interrogation techniques used at Guantánamo Bay finally drove prisoner (and 21st hijacker) Mohammad al Qahtani over the edge?

A. Replacing his Koran with a copy of Dianetics.
B. A personal session with Dr. Phil.
C. Marathon screenings of Britney Spears’s reality show, Chaotic.
D. Repeated blasting of music by Christina Aguilera.
E. Constant reading aloud from Us Weekly, In Touch, and the Star.

6. The National Enquirer reports that a boozy Russell Crowe was recently seen:

A. Eating small children.
B. Trying to place a police officer under arrest.
C. Explaining to the bartender that Fosters isn’t really Australian for beer.
D. Mocking his arrest for assault.
E. Screaming at his shoes for giving him the silent treatment.

7. What did Carmen Electra tell In Touch she likes to do with her rocker husband Dave Navarro on her Friday nights?

A. “I cook a big plate of spaghetti and we feed it to each other...with our bare hands.”
B. “We love to cruise the Sunset Strip and pick out the ho’s.”
C. “We’re part of a book club. We just read The Joy Luck Club — Dave loved it!”
D. “We like to stay home and listen to The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama.”
E. “We’re swingers.”

8. Which of the following is not true about Batman Begins star Christian Bale?

A. He was mercilessly bullied as a little kid.
B. His mother is a former circus clown.
C. He raises money to preserve mountain gorillas in Rwanda.
D. He completely lost his sex drive while preparing for his last movie role.
E. He thinks his best role was Jack Kelly in Newsies.

9. In the National Enquirer, Herbie: Fully Loaded co-stars Justin Long and Breckin Meyer claim they pranked Lindsay Lohan by:

A. Feeding her a cheeseburger while she was asleep.
B. Putting a dead rat in her popcorn.
C. Waking her by shining a flashlight in her face and shouting, “Lindsay! Look out for the dune buggy!”
D. Secretly replacing her 8-ball with Folgers Crystals.
E. Stuffing her into an incinerator.

10. What does Us Weekly quote Tom Cruise as saying about Katie Holmes?

A. “Ever since I laid eyes on her, I knew Nicole was the one.”
B. “The first time I saw her I thought, Holmes sweet Holmes.”
C. “She’s an extraordinary woman, and I love her very much. I’ve never felt better.”
D. “I love her to death. She’s a very special woman and I am not at all gay.”
E. “I love her. I love Katie Holmes. I love Katie Holmes very, very, very, very, very much. I love her so much that it makes me ache and hurt everywhere. Palpitations. Screaming. And the blood, the blood. I am in love with Katie Holmes. I am in such major love with Katie Holmes. Katie! Katie, if you’re reading this edition of Us Weekly, just know how much I love you. Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes.”

Answers: 1) B; 2) A; 3) A, D; 4) B; 5) D; 6) D; 7) C; 8) E; 9) B; 10) C