Why has The Aristocrats been called the dirtiest movie ever made? The answer’s in this spoiler-rich index.
As its July 29 release date approaches, The Aristocrats continues to generate a swirl of controversy for being quite possibly the dirtiest movie ever made, an impressive feat considering it contains not a single frame of nudity. Just last week, AMC, which will soon be the nation’s second largest theater chain, announced it wouldn’t be showing the 90-minute film on any of its 3,500 screens.
So what’s all the fuss about? Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza’s low-budget documentary features over 100 comics—including Chris Rock, Jon Stewart, George Carlin, Whoopi Goldberg, Phyllis Diller, Drew Carey, Robin Williams, Bill Maher, and Sarah Silverman—performing their own improvised versions of the same joke, known as “the Aristocrats.” The premise of the joke, which dates back to Vaudeville, isn’t all that shocking. It concerns an uncommonly affectionate—and oddly leaky—family act auditioning before a talent agent. After finishing, the agent asks them what they call their act. “The Aristocrats,” the agent’s told. What’s so dirty about that? Well, as anticlimactic as the punchline sounds, it’s the details of the performance that have provided generations of comics the improvisational latitude to go bluer than any man or woman before.
Radar dispatched a team of dark-suited operatives to a recent screening in order to document what could have possibly scared AMC away. Readers in New York and L.A., and anyone with a sensitive stomach, may want to steer clear of this complete film index. Those of you in the hinterlands: grab some popcorn, and enjoy. Oh, and you’ll probably want to wear a raincoat …
Anal blood, used by son to splatter audience
| Analingus, | performed by son on father |
| performed by daughter on father | |
| performed by father on daughter | |
| performed by son, with mother’s feces in his mouth, on infant |
| Anus, | Cow’s, penetrated by unidentified person’s fist |
| Daughter’s, penetrated by father’s fist | |
| Daughter’s, penetrated by grandfather | |
| Dog’s, finger inserted into by daughter | |
| Dog’s, penetrated by grandfather | |
| Dog’s, penetrated by son | |
| Father’s and son’s, alternately licked by daughter | |
| Father’s, used to play bagpipes | |
| Father’s, used to catch ping-pong balls | |
| Grandmother’s, penetrated by son | |
| Mother’s, penetrated by son | |
| Mother’s, penetrated by father | |
| Mother’s, penetrated by son | |
| Son’s, penetrated by father |
Audience, invited to masturbate niece and nephew
Axe handle, used by father to hit daughter’s head
| Baseball bat, | used by father to beat three daughters |
| used by father to beat wife |
“Be a Clown,” sung by family in unison
| Bicycle, | ridden by grandmother while urinating on family |
| ridden by woman with outsized vaginal cavity from which men emerge spitting vaginal mucous on audience |
Birth Canal, mother’s, infant son half reinserted into by father, who then anally penetrates son
Boil, popped by father on own back
| Bucket of Feces, | put over own head by daughter who then goose-steps around the stage |
| thrown by son into mother’s face |
Buddhist Monk, raped orally and anally by indigenous tribesmen, then killed
Bullet Hole, shot in son’s head by father then used for intercourse
Burst Hemorrhoid, affixed by father to tip of nose
Cartwheels, performed by mother in the nude
Catholic priest, raped orally and anally by indigenous tribesmen
| Copulation, | performed by dog and daughter |
| performed by father and daughter | |
| performed by father and daughter while daughter fellates son | |
| performed by father and gorilla | |
| performed by father and mother | |
| performed by grandfather and mother | |
| performed by son and grandmother | |
| performed by son and mother |
| Cunnilingus, | performed by father on wife |
| performed by son on daughter |
Curry Powder, sprinkled by unidentified Indian man onto penis of unidentified African-American man
| Defecation, | by Betsy Ross |
| by entire family on stage in unison | |
| by family dog on family | |
| by father into wife’s mouth | |
| by father on dead daughter | |
| by father on stage | |
| by man into woman’s vagina | |
| by mother and father on stage, with children frolicing in result | |
| by mother into metal bucket | |
| by mother into son’s mouth |
Defecation and Urination, by dog on stage
Desk Drawer, slammed repeatedly by father to flatten penis
Diarrhea, attack of which propels son in circles around stage
Dog, penetrated by talent agent penetrates man anally while cat licks man’s testicles
Donkey, urinated on by father
Dried Semen, chipped off mother’s desk by father
| Ejaculation, | by father onto daughter’s rectum |
| by father onto entire family | |
| by father onto mother’s face | |
| by six dwarves on stage, one by one |
Extra-Large Vagina, used by several men as hideout
| Feces, | applied by father in preparation for blackface routine |
| danced in by father | |
| eaten by son | |
| eaten out of grandmother’s rectum by father | |
| Grandfather’s, eaten by daughter | |
| Mother’s, removed from bucket and juggled by son while urinating into daughter’s mouth | |
| rolled around in by family | |
| rolled around in by father | |
| skated through by family | |
| slid through by family | |
| slid through by female family members | |
| Son’s, applied by mother on family members | |
| splits performed into by family in unison |
| Feces and Urine, | eaten off family by dog, who then jumps through hoop |
| rolled in by family |
| Fellatio, | performed by Eddie Fisher on goat in MGM studio lot to the dismay of wife Debbie Reynolds |
| performed by father on infant son | |
| performed by mother on donkey | |
| performed by mother on father | |
| performed by sister on brother | |
| performed by son on father | |
| performed on father by unborn baby as father penetrates pregnant mother anally |
Finger, pulled by daughter to cause passage of gas
Fishhook, used by father to pierce penis
Fishhook-Pierced Penis, used by father to copulate with daughter
Fisting, particular enjoyment of by Mickey Rooney
Flaming Elephant Penises, juggled by unidentified man
| Flattened Penis, | used by father to beat children |
| used by father to knock out son’s eye, then penetrate eye socket |
“God Bless America”, sung by grandparents while engaged in intercourse
Kazoo, placed in anus by grandmother to perform “Begin the Beguine” while fellating grandfather
Kerosene, added by son to bucket of urine and feces then ignited
Kiddie Pool, filled with Beef Entrails and Aborted Fetuses, waded into by family
Liberty Bell, cracked by signers of Declaration of Independence who hit it sliding through Betsy Ross’s feces
Light, flipped on by Amish father
Liquid Feces, gargled then swallowed by mother
Lit Cigar, inserted by father into mother’s anus
Liza Minnelli’s Swollen Clitoris, compared to Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade float
“Make Them Laugh,” sung by family in unison
| Masturbation, | performed by father into shot glass |
| performed by son onto mother multiple times | |
| performed by son with outsized genitalia until the head of penis explodes | |
| performed on son by mother | |
| performed simultaneously by male family members onto dead grandmother | |
| performed simultaneously by male family members onto dish | |
| Mutual, performed by Siamese twins who are attached at derriere |
Midget Uncle With Three Penises Protruding From Head, appearance on stage by
Mixture of Feces and Urine, applied to face by father
Mop Handle, inserted into unidentified man’s anus by unidentified African American man
“Nearer My God to Thee,” sung by daughter while juggling torches
Pinky Fingers, inserted by mother into father and son’s anuses as they ejaculate
Pope, penetrated by talent agent
Projectile Vomiting, by mother all over audience
Puddle of Semen, Feces, and Urine, coitus and oral sex performed by family in
Rabbi, raped orally and anally by indigenous tribesmen
Radio, listened to by Amish mother
Ring of Fire, jumped through by dog
| Semen, | drunk from shot glasses by mother |
| Father’s, eaten by mother out of daughter’s anus | |
| Father’s, eaten by son off mother’s face | |
| Father’s, spat out by infant after being born by mother | |
| Male Family Members’, eaten by female family |
Semen and Sweat Mixture, used by family to bathe
Shetland Pony, yielded live by grandmother during failed abortion, then ridden off stage by grandfather
Shoes, shined by Liza Minnelli with own vaginal mucous
Sixty-Nine, performed by father and daughter on each other
Smoke Rings, blown from mother’s vagina, then jumped through by son
| Songs, | sung by four unrelated men who fashion helmets out of their outsized genitalia |
| sung by mother as daughter masturbates father and son simultaneously |
Striptease, performed by mother
Tampon, removed by father from wife’s vagina and thrown at wall, to which it sticks
“Tea for Two,” played by wife using her vagina as an instrument
Trapeze, used by family to performed act while urinating on audience
Unspecified Animal Manure, swum though by family
| Urination, | by dog on family |
| by family onto one another in unison | |
| by three men on stage |
| Vagina, | Daughter’s, penetrated by father’s fingers |
| Daughter’s, penetrated by father with hot curling iron | |
| Daughter’s, penetrated by mother’s fist |
| Vomit, | causing entire family to vomit when smelled |
| eaten by family member after vomiting |
| Vomiting, | by son and daughter on stage in unison |
| by the entire family in unison | |
| by three men on stage |
Wallet, stolen by Hispanic male who then defecates on stage“What a Wonderful World,” gas passed to tune of by son and daughter
Xylophone, played by son with penis