Dossier
Extreme Makeover: Olympics Edition
Eager to impress, the Chinese government is giving Beijing a made-for-TV face-lift
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This article is from the July/August issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here.
(Photo: Illustrations by Jorge Colombo)
Instead, the control-freak Chinese government will slap some lipstick on its human-rights-violating pig and present a cleaned-up version to the rest of the world—all at the expense of Chinese tradition (i.e., selling counterfeit key chains).
Read on for eight examples of China's Olympic face-lift.
CHANGE #1
Reduced traffic
To avoid unglamorous congestion, the government will allow only half of Beijing's drivers to hit the streets on any given day, depending on whether their license plates end in odd or even numbers.
CHANGE #2
Less spitting
Convincing Beijingers to repress their loogies is like convincing Americans to give up Red Lobster, but determined officials are imposing a steep fine of up to 50 yuan and mobilizing a volunteer army to "offer" tissues to defiant hockers.
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(Photo: Getty Images)
Fewer felines
To reduce the city's unsightly clutter of 500,000 cats, officials have been aggressively disseminating info that cats carry diseases like SARS. As a result, panicked citizens are abandoning their beloved pets to kitty death camps—and, in the case of one overzealous kindergarten teacher, beating strays senseless.
CHANGE #4
Cloudless skies
With the opening ceremonies facing a 47 percent chance of precipitation, Chinese scientists are ready to preemptively fire silver-iodide-filled rockets into approaching clouds from 21 locations, making them rain before any important people get wet.
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(Photo: Getty Images)
No knockoffs
Mindful of China's copycat reputation, officials are patrolling the streets to stamp out counterfeit products, especially those making unauthorized use of the Games logo. Already in jail: the huckster hawking fake Olympic coins and the hapless entrepreneurs who conjured up the not particularly athletic-sounding Olympic Tobacco.
CHANGE #6
Orderly lines
While most Westerners queue up patiently for movies and roller coasters, the Chinese prefer to scrum and jostle. City officials are "encouraging" Beijingers to adopt a more linear way of thinking during the Olympics (and have been training the citizenry since 2007 with a monthly Queuing Day). Line cutting will not be tolerated.
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No turtle blood
Even Chinese athletes are being constrained. Though these jocks have long favored turtle blood and deer penis as quaint, organic alternatives to performance-enhancing drugs, the government is clamping down. Turns out these local delicacies may contain substances banned by the IOC.
CHANGE #8
No Chinglish
A humorless 35-person committee is correcting mangled English translations of Chinese signs and menu items ("government abuse chicken," anyone?), forcing residents to mangle English in the privacy of their own homes.
This article is from the July/August issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here.
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