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Senator Robert Byrd - 90 years old
Serving the nation as a senator since 1959, the West Virginia Democrat is third in line to succeed the commander in chief. Yes, that's right: Should Dubya, Cheney, and Pelosi come to bad ends, this nonagenarian—a former KKK member who's thrown the n-word around as recently as 2001—will be our president. Last year, the dog-lover became visibly unhinged on the Senate floor and implied that pit bull–abusing footballer Michael Vick should be immediately executed.
Status: Byrd's ninth congressional term runs out in 2013.
Who Will Replace: One of the many impressively patient West Virginia Democrats.
Who Should Replace: Anyone who can control their spittle, really.

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Barbara Walters - 76 years old
Rivaling Larry King as the modern master of the softball interview, Walters recently tortured Juno's Ellen Page with mutterings that only vaguely resembled a question, calling anti-folk band the Moldy Peaches, that "group, whatever ... I don't get it." She also suffers from pet-related delusions, claiming that her Havanese, Cha-Cha, says "I love you."
Status: Though she left 20/20 by choice in 2004, the View cocreator has shown no signs of giving up her dysfunctional kaffeeklatsch or her role as ABC's "star" interviewer.
Who Will Replace: Possibilities include Elizabeth Vargas, who stepped in for Walters on 20/20.
Who Should Replace: The fearless, with-it Kathy Griffin.