Indiana Jones isn't the only notable celebrity with a sell-by date

This article is from the May/June issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here.

What summer blockbuster is most likely to make audiences fear its star will fall and break his hip? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, starring 65-year-old Harrison Ford and his threadbare fedora. Though the senior-discount recipient bears little resemblance to the witty adventurer who first fled boulders in 1981, apparently no one thought to recast the role with an actor who can walk and talk a bit faster than Snuffleupagus.

Unnervingly, John McCain's equally sluggish demeanor hasn't slowed his quest to become the oldest president ever elected. After railing at his campaign aides for making him wear "gay sweaters" to soften his image, McCain, 71, accidentally called himself a liberal. Yes, he corrected the error, but do we really want the person answering that red phone at 3 a.m. to be operating under the illusion that he's Janeane Garafalo?

These two otherwise lovable elders aren't the only ones who refuse to pull a Fidel and shuffle gracefully out of the spotlight. Old people are exhaustedly running the world. From Larry King to Barbara Walters, geriatrics no longer at the top of their game maintain a stranglehold on high-profile positions that could, and arguably should, be occupied by more vital, capable youngsters (and by that we mean anyone under 70). Radar reviews the prospects of seven problematically senior citizens and nominates some worthy successors.

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Larry King - 74 years old
There isn't a single transcript of King's CNN talk show over the past few years that doesn't reveal his tragic unsuitability for the gig. "Can we get a résumé in here for me that Larry can go over?" asked Jerry Seinfeld last year, after King wondered if Seinfeld had been canceled. Four months earlier, King couldn't figure out which Beatle he was talking to, calling Ringo "George." It doesn't help that, as of 2006, he still had "never gone searching" on the Internet.
Status: His contract, a reported $7 million a year, expires in 2009; he's said he hopes to stay on until 2017.
Who Will Replace: Though King wants Ryan Seacrest, Diane Sawyer has also been mentioned.
Who Should Replace: The (slightly) harder-hitting Anderson Cooper.

Senator Robert Byrd - 90 years old
Serving the nation as a senator since 1959, the West Virginia Democrat is third in line to succeed the commander in chief. Yes, that's right: Should Dubya, Cheney, and Pelosi come to bad ends, this nonagenarian—a former KKK member who's thrown the n-word around as recently as 2001—will be our president. Last year, the dog-lover became visibly unhinged on the Senate floor and implied that pit bull–abusing footballer Michael Vick should be immediately executed.
Status: Byrd's ninth congressional term runs out in 2013.
Who Will Replace: One of the many impressively patient West Virginia Democrats.
Who Should Replace: Anyone who can control their spittle, really.

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Barbara Walters - 76 years old
Rivaling Larry King as the modern master of the softball interview, Walters recently tortured Juno's Ellen Page with mutterings that only vaguely resembled a question, calling anti-folk band the Moldy Peaches, that "group, whatever ... I don't get it." She also suffers from pet-related delusions, claiming that her Havanese, Cha-Cha, says "I love you."
Status: Though she left 20/20 by choice in 2004, the View cocreator has shown no signs of giving up her dysfunctional kaffeeklatsch or her role as ABC's "star" interviewer.
Who Will Replace: Possibilities include Elizabeth Vargas, who stepped in for Walters on 20/20.
Who Should Replace: The fearless, with-it Kathy Griffin.

Sumner Redstone - 84 years old
The tenacious Viacom chairman once survived a Boston hotel fire by hanging one-handed from a third-floor window ledge, and has shown similar fortitude ruling his vast multimedia empire with an iron fist and a 10 p.m. bedtime. His one weakness: complete delusion regarding his mortality. After grooming four successors (Frank Biondi, Mel Karmazin, Tom Freston, and daughter Shari Redstone), he's dismissed them all, insisting he plans to live ... infinitely.
Status: "When I lose my energy ... I'll ... retire, but that's never gonna happen. I'm here forever."
Who Will Replace: The vibrant clone he's apparently commissioned.
Who Should Replace: Current CBS CEO Les Moonves.

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Cindy Adams - 83 years old
The batty New York Post gossip columnist and former Miss Bagel recently dismissed Eliot Spitzer's whore habit as a favor to his wife, comparing prostitutes to "takeout food. Less work for mother." She also has the spacey habit of running "scandalous" blind items about events already reported elsewhere—with names attached. Only in New York, kids!
Status: When asked in 2003 about retirement, Adams said, "Who are they going to put in, two seven-year-olds, you know, with acne?"—insisting she won't leave until she's fired.
Who Will Replace: A seven-year-old just might snag the job once the benzoyl peroxide kicks in.
Who Should Replace: For all purposes, Perez Hilton already has.

Regis Philbin - 76 years old
After hosting an a.m. blabfest for decades, Philbin is clearly over it. He doesn't even bother learning names anymore, recently misidentifying the "Green Eyed Peas" and "Sean 'Ditty' Holmes." While interviewing the Prison Break actor who plays "T-Bag," Philbin was surprised to discover the term had sexual connotations. In March, he chomped off a fingernail and spit it onto his desk: Gramps, it's not your living room.
Status: Though he's contracted until the end of 2009, his Live duties will be cut to three shows per week this fall.
Who Will Replace: Regular stand-ins Pat Sajak, Jeff Probst, and Jeff Gordon are all likely suspects.
Who Should Replace: We hear that Neil Patrick Harris does a terrific Philbin impersonation.

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Hugh Hefner - 82 years old
Every so often, you catch a glimpse of the former life of the party tottering across the screen on E!'s The Girls Next Door, his smoking jacket clinging to increasingly fragile shoulders, and realize no amount of Viagra could make it safe for Hef to bang such buxom blondes. Maybe that's why he now prefers playing dominoes to "hanky-panky," and recently lost a girl to ... Rob Schneider? The surest sign he's losing his grip: trusting hack director and Hef fan Brett Ratner (Rush Hour) to tell his life story in the forthcoming Playboy biopic.
Status:What's Playboy without the original playboy? He'll be there until the end.
Who Will Replace: Joe Francis
Who Should Replace: Jeremy Piven

This article is from the May/June issue of Radar Magazine. For a risk-free issue, click here.