An alcoholic's guide to the Summer Olympics

The Olympic Games have always been more about pageantry than sport. The gaudy opening ceremony (Beijing! 7:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time! Brought to you by Kodak, Samsung, Omega, Volkswagen, China Mobile, Adidas, and Johnson & Johnson!), the syrupy vignettes about hardscrabble athletes that are sure to comprise a good chunk of NBC's 3,600 hours of coverage, the ridiculous mascots—it's enough to make you forget that there actually are athletic competitions taking place. (Amid all the hoopla surrounding the lighting of the torch tonight, I bet you didn't even realize that the Games have already started.)

With a reported 20,000 journalists in town to keep tabs on the proceedings (that works out to about three journalists for every one competitor), you can be sure that this year's coverage will be even more heavy-handed than usual.

Which is why we propose you print out these official 2008 Summer Olympic (Drinking) Games rules, find a comfortable seat on your couch, and crack open an Olympic-sponsored Budweiser or Tsingtao. You're gonna need it.

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TAKE A SIP WHENEVER:

The Olympics are referred to as Beijing's "coming-out party."

A TV announcer refers to China's "rising middle class." (Bonus sip if said rising middle class is referred to as "the awakening of the Chinese dragon.")

A TV announcer refers to the fact that the Chinese frequent KFC, McDonald's, and Starbucks, just like us!

A TV announcer makes note of the fact that the Chinese people eat all sorts of crazy things, including dog leg, donkey meat, scorpion kebab, and yak penis, ostensibly as way to show that Chinese culture is different than ours, but really just to use the phrase "yak penis."

The camera shows an armed Chinese guard riding on a Segway.

The camera shows a Chinese guard riding on a Segway on his way to brutally assaulting a bunch of pro-Tibet dissidents.

The swimming color commentator refers to either:
1) Michael Phelps' hyperflexible size-14 feet, or
2) The fact that it takes Phelps 20 minutes to squeeze into his custom Speedo LZR bodysuit.

Michael Phelps' goofy mug is used in an NBC teaser. (Actually, bad idea. You will die.)

Teenage girls are shown giggling while watching Michael Phelps.

An announcer mentions the intense Beijing air pollution. (Bonus sip if he mentions it while wearing a mask. Double bonus sip if he's wearing a mask despite the fact that it's sunny and clear out just to prove a point on TV.)

An announcer brings up the Chinese government's ability to rid the atmosphere of said pollution by artificially inducing rain from the Man-Made Hail-Prevention and Rain-Increasing Work Station.

The sad story of "Dan and Dave" is brought up.

An announcer mentions that Amanda Beard posed for Playboy, because really, what else are highly skilled Olympians bringing to the table other than their perfectly toned abs? (Bonus sip if they show the NSFW spread.)

An announcer creepily mentions that 41-year-old mother Dana Torres should pose for Playboy.

TAKE A GULP WHENEVER:

Bob Costas, sotto voce, informs us that an athlete has "prepared his whole life for just this one moment."

An announcer utters any of the following phrases:
1) "Everyone in the stadium was a winner today." (Or its inverse: "There are no losers here.")
2) "This is what the Olympics are all about."
3) "[Random obscure athlete who competes in an event you only pay attention to once every four years and who will never be heard from again] will remember this day for the rest of his life."
4) [Athletes from rival countries—India and Pakistan, for example, or Iraq and the United States—shake hands after a match.] "This is truly what the Olympic Games are all about."

An announcer acknowledges that saying something like "the whole world is watching" is a cliché, but proceeds to say it anyway.

An announcer somberly intones that a participant is competing despite:
1) The recent diagnosis of a family member/loved one with a life-threatening disease.
2) The recent death of a family member/loved one by way of a life-threatening disease.
3) Having been diagnosed with a physically debilitating or crippling disease as a child. (Bonus drink if the announcer compares the participant's plight to that of the South African "Blade Runner")
4) Having been maimed in a tractor accident or other freak occurrence as a child.
5) Having grown up with no access to food, clean water, training equipment, or sneakers.
6) Having grown up in the midst of genocide/geopolitical strife/major war.

An announcer enthusiastically describes a triple jump participant as having made a "great leap forward." (Alternately, he describes a 100 meter sprinter at the blocks as a "crouching tiger.")

The final heat of a competition featuring an American and a Chinese Olympian is billed as "a showdown between East and West." (Alternate: "Yin meets yang ... right after this commercial break!")

FINISH YOUR DRINK WHENEVER:

The wrong national anthem is played when a gold medalist takes the podium.

Members of the "Dream Team" are busted in their hotel room with a bunch of prostitutes from the Sichuan province the night before their gold medal game with Greece. (Have another if they win anyway.)

A decathlete passes out during the shot put after choking on a few too many toxic particles of sulfur dioxide.

Grenada's sole Olympian, welterweight boxer Rolande Moses, takes home the gold.

Your body weight is at least twice that of a Japanese rhythmic gymnast.

DRINK EVERYTHING IN SIGHT IF:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad applauds the American soccer squad's "fine effort on the pitch and exemplary patriotism" after they defeat Iran in the first round.

Chinese president Hu Jintao invites the Dalai Lama to be the official lighter of the Olympic torch, after which he grants Tibet total political and religious autonomy.

The Olympic Games pass without a single steroid or doping scandal.