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Philadelphia Eagles
Last year's rap sheet: Possession of marijuana, drug kingpinning, anal smuggling.
Coach Andy Reid gets a mention here after his two sons were jailed for drug offenses, the judge going so far as to call Reid's home "a drug emporium." But the fun doesn't stop there as Garrett, the senior of the jailed Reids, was caught smuggling 89 prescriptions pills into jail via his ass! Defensive tackle Mike Patterson completed the drug trifecta with an off-season arrest for toking up with his brother on a Jersey road.
KEY ADDITION: Knowing they won't always be able to count on the spacious anal cavity of the elder Reid brother, the Eagles used their seventh-round pick on offensive tackle King Dunlap, who was arrested last year for failing to pay a ticket.
KEY LOSS: Defensive tackle Jevon Kearse, who, with an off-season DUI, immediately made the Eagles regret not re-signing him.
PREDICTION: An apocalyptic Scarface-style shootout with the feds, finally satisfying the bloodlust of Philly sports fans.

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Washington Redskins
Last year's rap sheet: Restaurant disturbance, murder!!!
The season started off quietly, with practice squad lineman Kili Lefotu drunkenly pushing around some folks in a restaurant, but ended with a bang (literally) after star safety Sean Taylor was shot and killed during a home invasion. Taylor's death leaves a hole in the 'Skins blotter roll as he had both a DUI and armed assault charge on his resume.
KEY ADDITION: The Redskins are hoping kick returner Jerome Mathis will fill Taylor's spot. He signed with the team after being charged in February for choking his common-law pregnant wife. Now, people can heckle the 'Skins for two kinds of choking! Hoo-ah!
KEY LOSS: Taylor.
PREDICTION: Multiple shootings. Not so much because of the team's makeup, but because now everyone in D.C. is packing heat.