Previewing the NFL season through the police blotter

With the NFL season nearly upon us, it's important to see how your favorite team stacks up against the competition in the most significant category of them all: off-the-field arrests!

Which teams can't handle their alcohol? Which players feel the need to smack around their girlfriends? (Hint: A lot of them.) Who harbors the most hatred for gays? And will your favorite team be in the running for this year's Prison Bowl championship?

All are answered in Radar's easy-to-digest guide to the football season. (Note for the clerically minded: "last year" includes both last season's transgressions and any police activity during the off-season.)

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NFC EAST

Dallas Cowboys
Last year's rap sheet: No arrests.
Despite signing "Tank" Johnson midway through the season specifically for his hilarious habit of leaving assault rifles near toddlers, peace prevailed in Dallas.
KEY ADDITION: Sensing an overall pussification of America's Team, owner Jerry Jones went out and signed God's wild card, Adam "Pacman" Jones, whose specialties include spitting on women, making it rain, and the gnawing of male ankles.
KEY LOSS: Safety Keith Davis, who, while never arrested, was grazed by a bullet during a drive-by shooting back in '06. At least he knows where to hang.
PREDICTION: First-degree manslaughter. Add Pacman to any equation and someone's gonna get shot.

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New York Giants
Last year's rap sheet: DUI, probation violation, bar fight, animal neglect.
Defensive end Adrian Awasom couldn't derail last year's championship run with a DUI arrest two days before the Super Bowl, Ahmad Bradshaw violated his parole, Geoffrey Pope partied himself into a felony bar fight, and Antonio Pierce celebrated the Super Bowl victory by kicking puppies.
KEY ADDITION: The eventful off-season showcased enough young players for the Giants to settle for promotion from within. No imports.
KEY LOSS: The aforementioned "Awesome" Awasom.
PREDICTION: Misdemeanor assault. Probably on Eli Manning's sourpuss face.