Scandal
Gridiron Bars
Previewing the NFL season through the police blotter
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With the NFL season nearly upon us, it's important to see how your favorite team stacks up against the competition in the most significant category of them all: off-the-field arrests!
Which teams can't handle their alcohol? Which players feel the need to smack around their girlfriends? (Hint: A lot of them.) Who harbors the most hatred for gays? And will your favorite team be in the running for this year's Prison Bowl championship?
All are answered in Radar's easy-to-digest guide to the football season. (Note for the clerically minded: "last year" includes both last season's transgressions and any police activity during the off-season.)
NFC EAST
Last year's rap sheet: No arrests.
Despite signing "Tank" Johnson midway through the season specifically for his hilarious habit of leaving assault rifles near toddlers, peace prevailed in Dallas.
KEY ADDITION: Sensing an overall pussification of America's Team, owner Jerry Jones went out and signed God's wild card, Adam "Pacman" Jones, whose specialties include spitting on women, making it rain, and the gnawing of male ankles.
KEY LOSS: Safety Keith Davis, who, while never arrested, was grazed by a bullet during a drive-by shooting back in '06. At least he knows where to hang.
PREDICTION: First-degree manslaughter. Add Pacman to any equation and someone's gonna get shot.
Last year's rap sheet: DUI, probation violation, bar fight, animal neglect.
Defensive end Adrian Awasom couldn't derail last year's championship run with a DUI arrest two days before the Super Bowl, Ahmad Bradshaw violated his parole, Geoffrey Pope partied himself into a felony bar fight, and Antonio Pierce celebrated the Super Bowl victory by kicking puppies.
KEY ADDITION: The eventful off-season showcased enough young players for the Giants to settle for promotion from within. No imports.
KEY LOSS: The aforementioned "Awesome" Awasom.
PREDICTION: Misdemeanor assault. Probably on Eli Manning's sourpuss face.
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Last year's rap sheet: Possession of marijuana, drug kingpinning, anal smuggling.
Coach Andy Reid gets a mention here after his two sons were jailed for drug offenses, the judge going so far as to call Reid's home "a drug emporium." But the fun doesn't stop there as Garrett, the senior of the jailed Reids, was caught smuggling 89 prescriptions pills into jail via his ass! Defensive tackle Mike Patterson completed the drug trifecta with an off-season arrest for toking up with his brother on a Jersey road.
KEY ADDITION: Knowing they won't always be able to count on the spacious anal cavity of the elder Reid brother, the Eagles used their seventh-round pick on offensive tackle King Dunlap, who was arrested last year for failing to pay a ticket.
KEY LOSS: Defensive tackle Jevon Kearse, who, with an off-season DUI, immediately made the Eagles regret not re-signing him.
PREDICTION: An apocalyptic Scarface-style shootout with the feds, finally satisfying the bloodlust of Philly sports fans.
Last year's rap sheet: Restaurant disturbance, murder!!!
The season started off quietly, with practice squad lineman Kili Lefotu drunkenly pushing around some folks in a restaurant, but ended with a bang (literally) after star safety Sean Taylor was shot and killed during a home invasion. Taylor's death leaves a hole in the 'Skins blotter roll as he had both a DUI and armed assault charge on his resume.
KEY ADDITION: The Redskins are hoping kick returner Jerome Mathis will fill Taylor's spot. He signed with the team after being charged in February for choking his common-law pregnant wife. Now, people can heckle the 'Skins for two kinds of choking! Hoo-ah!
KEY LOSS: Taylor.
PREDICTION: Multiple shootings. Not so much because of the team's makeup, but because now everyone in D.C. is packing heat.
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NFC NORTH
Last year's rap sheet: Leaving the scene of an accident, drunk boating, resisting arrest, DUI.
A few days before last season started, the Monsters of the Midway got a nice kick-start when star linebacker Lance Briggs crashed his Lamborghini Murcielago and amusingly left the scene. The momentum carried into the off-season, when awful running back Cedric Benson was busted for drinking on a boat, resisted the arrest, and used the opportunity to showcase his trademark toughness by crying for his momma after being pepper-sprayed. The following month, Benson was busted again in Austin for a DUI, this time in a land-roving vehicle.
KEY ADDITION: Rookie tight end Kellen Davis, who continued the long tradition of Michigan State misbehavior after getting into a bar fight back in '06.
KEY LOSS: Benson, who, while officially cut from the team for the above indiscretions, would have had a spot with the squad if he was, you know, any good.
PREDICTION: Crimes against humanity, after fans are forced to watch their anemic offense. Am I right? But seriously, this team's going to get a conspiracy to commit murder charge after they kill Brian Urlacher when his long-dormant Paris Hilton–inflicted venereal warts finally start spreading.
Last year's rap sheet: No arrests.
Assistant coach Joe Cullen's 2006 nude DUI is a tough act for any team to follow, but having any Lions vacant from last season's blotter is embarrassing, especially in the shadow of Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's epic scandals.
KEY ADDITIONS: Quickly moving to solve this humiliation, the team signed cornerback Leigh Bodden (resisting arrest), safety Dwight Smith (possession), and safety Kalvin Pearson (choking a preggo). But just to be safe, the team also used its first two draft picks on Gosder Cherilus (probation from a bar fight) and Jordon Dizon (suspicion of DUI), giving this team a strong foundation to build on for years to come.
KEY LOSS: Nobody of note.
PREDICTION: With the biggest collection of outlaws this side of the Republican party, who knows what arrests will befall the team this year. But since the Lions can't seem to do anything right, the prediction here is they just get a few convictions for "happy slapping."
Last year's rap sheet: Felony drug possession.
While Brett Favre's false retirements have been getting all the press over the past few years, the Packers' defense has been making some noise, too. Police siren noise! Last off-season, linebacker Nick Barnett shoved a woman in a nightclub, while this off-season gave us Johnny Jolly. Jr., possessing a whole lot of drugs.
KEY ADDITION: Addition by subtraction with Favre's holier-than-thou act out there.
KEY LOSS: Koren Robinson, who was cut despite having a solid DWI/fleeing from police charge on his record.
PREDICTION: Some kind of underage sex charge, especially if the team gets advance copies of Mark Chmura's book, in which he presumably details how to snag invites to post-prom sexy-time parties.
Last year's rap sheet: Aggravated battery.
The preseason departure of Mewelde Moore, Troy Williamson, and the legendary Fred Smoot severed most of the final threads from the momentous 2005 "Sex Boat Season." Luckily one of the few remaining threads, offensive tackle Bryant McKinnie, picked up the slack by spitting on a bouncer.
KEY ADDITION: Defensive end Jared Allen, who has a total of three DUI charges.
KEY LOSS: Safety Dwight Smith, part of this year's Detroit Cell-Block City team, who has felt the need to pull a gun on fellow motorists on two separate occasions.
PREDICTION: No arrests. We're going to chalk this year up to the team still recuperating from the aquatic dildo play of '05.
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NFC SOUTH
Last year's rap sheet: Dogfighting, conspiracy, animal cruelty, misdemeanor family violence.
Besides the well-publicized canine abuse—in addition to Michael Vick's dogfighting charges, defensive lineman Jonathan Babineaux was also bad to animals—it was mostly quiet in Atlanta last year. Because all the dogs were dead! Linebacker Michael Boley tried his darndest to make some noise though by "becoming physical" with his wife, and not in the good way.
KEY ADDITION: No one with a record.
KEY LOSS: DeAngelo Hall, who brought the Year of Canine Abuse to a fitting close after being traded to the Raiders. Hall previously had his own "dog-related incident" when his pit bulls chew through a fence and gnawed on some man-meat.
PREDICTION: Some kind of racially motivated hate crime set off by new kicker Jason Elam, who cowrote the book Monday Night Jihad, an action-adventure tale about "football and an attempt to stop a terrorist plot," presumably with poorly constructed stereotypical "durka-durka" Muslims.
Last year's rap sheet: Misdemeanor assault, DWI.
For an expansion team already to have a murder conviction and a "public sex by cheerleaders" charge on their books is impressive, which is why it's a disappointment that last year saw only a wimpy offensive lineman pointing a boring gun at a stripper and a rookie wideout getting a pussy DWI.
KEY ADDITION: Blast-from-the-past wide receiver Muhsin Muhammed, who returns to the scene of his 2003 misdemeanor drug and weapon arrest.
KEY LOSS: DeShaun Foster. While he doesn't have an official record, he was suspended in college for violating NCAA extra-benefits regulations, so you know he's got some corruption in him.
PREDICTION: Having Muhammed back to teach the kids should pay dividends. Let's say grand larceny.
Last year's rap sheet: Involuntary manslaughter.
The Saints got on the board last February when defensive end Charles Grant was given a manslaughter charge for his part in a bar fracas that resulted in Grant getting stabbed in the neck and a pregnant lady bystander getting killed.
KEY ADDITION: Fifth-round pick Carl Nicks, who was ticketed last month with the awesomely worded charge of "suspicion of being an inmate of a disorderly house." In other words, he was at a house party.
KEY LOSS: Seeing the promising future of Nicks, the Saints felt free to release defensive back Anwar Phillips, a solid college talent from Penn State with two felony sex charges.
PREDICTION: A hate crime, after hecklers start laying it on new cornerback Randall Gay.
Last year's rap sheet: DUI, multiple Tasering.
When you have tight end Jerramy Stevens and his extensive 517-word "legal troubles" section on Wikipedia, you'd think complacency would set in on the Bucs' roster. Not so. Cato June did his work with a DUI, and Donte Nicholson got into the game with some Taser fun outside a nightclub
KEY ADDITION: Re-signing Jerramy Stevens, who's already been suspended for the first two games this year for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy, is the smartest move they could have made.
KEY LOSS: Kalvin Pearson, part of this year's Lions "Jailbreak" program, was arrested for strangling a person. Or, depending on your religious beliefs, two people, seeing as he choked a pregnant lady.
PREDICTION: The fact that Stevens isn't a household name despite his Pacman-like rap sheet suggests this is the year he takes it up a notch. Therefore: genocide.
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NFC WEST
Last year's rap sheet: Disorderly conduct.
Compared to last year's arrest of wide receivers coach Richie Anderson for picking up a hooker, this year was a bore fest, the only saving grace being running back J.J. Arrington getting busted in yet another bar fight.
KEY ADDITION: Trying to spice things up, the Cards used its final draft pick on Brandon Keith, who got himself Tased at a house party after he "charged" the cops.
KEY LOSS: No one of note.
PREDICTION: Identity theft, since no one really wants to play for the Cardinals.
Last year's rap sheet: Wife assault.
It's been relatively quiet in the city of the arch since defensive end Leonard Little killed a lady after driving home somewhat drunk from his birthday party in '98. Last season, the only blotter material was lineman Claude Terrell, who assaulted his wife and was promptly cut from the team. Hilariously, it was his second "causing bodily injury to another family member" charge. That house has more turmoil than the Lohans!
KEY ADDITION: The Rams found a gem in an odd position—placekicker. Josh Brown, previously with the Seahawks, was arrested while at Nebraska for fighting a man who was on a date with his ex. Me-ow!
KEY LOSS: Tight end Dominique Byrd, who finished his two-year Rams career with six catches, one TD, a DUI, and one count of smashing a beer bottle on a guy's face.
PREDICTION: Now that owner Georgia Frontiere isn't around to keep the boys in line—she's dead—expect either a string of robberies and/or a whole lot of indecent exposure.
Last year's rap sheet: DUI, public intoxication, resisting arrest.
Linebacker Ezra Butler went from unsigned rookie, to member of the 49ers, to getting arrested for driving high, to being waived from the team, all within the span of a month. Meanwhile, cornerback Donald Strickland signed a one-year deal, got a little too drunk, ran from the cops, comically collapsed a half-block later, got arrested, and is still on the team. Double standard much?
KEY ADDITION: Keeping the blotter activity on the defensive side of the ball, the Niners signed end Justin Brown, who blew a 0.152 back in '04.
KEY LOSS: Absolutely nobody!
PREDICTION: After losing a draft pick last year for "tampering charges," it's clear this team will do anything to win. Except actually win. Look for some kind of bungled robbery attempt you'll see during the "Stupid Criminals" section of the news.
Last year's rap sheet: DUI, domestic violence.
Last season was a snoozer until April 21, when 308-pound defensive lineman Rocky Bernard punched a woman in the forehead. Twenty-two days later, linebacker Lofa Tatupu got a DUI and, in a welcome change from this league of arrest-resisters, was "polite and cooperative" throughout his booking. Way to go, Lofa!
KEY ADDITION: Nada.
KEY LOSS: The aforementioned kicker of field goals and asses Josh Brown, who takes his crimes of passion to St. Louis.
PREDICTION: Anytime you lose a force of nature like Brown, your run-ins with local law enforcement are going to take a hit. Look for the team to overcompensate with some public intoxication charges, which you know they're just doing for the attention.
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AFC EAST
Last year's rap sheet: Harassment, resisting arrest, DUI, hit and run.
Who knew a punchless team like the Bills had this in 'em? Anthony Hargrove got things started by shoving a cop, Roscoe Parrish followed suit with a DUI, but it was star running back Marshawn Lynch who took things up a notch by hitting a Canadian woman with his SUV and running away.
KEY ADDITION: Rookie wide receiver James Hardy, who's already shown his family values by attacking his girlfriend and infant son in one incident and pulling a gun on his dad in another.
KEY LOSS: Why ruin a good thing? All convicts are kept!
PREDICTION: With Hardy on the team, who knows what they'll accomplish this year? Let's play conservatively and say, oh, a first-degree murder charge.
Last year's rap sheet: Public intoxication, misdemeanor battery.
After a good showing in 2007, when three Dolphins were taken into custody, you'd predict the team would have an off year. Instead, the 'Fins shocked the world with a second consecutive year of productivity, including defensive end Matt Roth getting a bit too drunk and fullback Reagan Mauia punching a guy in the face.
KEY ADDITION: Trying to regroup and get back to last year's elite level meant bringing in some firepower. Cue: defensive tackle and fiancée-assaulter Randy Starks.
KEY LOSS: Defensive end Derrick Robinson, who got a DUI years ago while in San Diego, but was a complete disappointment during his time in Miami, never meeting the police once.
PREDICTION: No arrests. Ricky Williams' enormous pot stash soothes even the most savage beast.
Last year's rap sheet: Restraining order, two possession of marijuana charges, illegal possession of prescription painkillers, assault with a firearm.
The shine officially came off the Patriots' hardworking, feel-good dynasty last year with SpyGate, but that was just the beginning. Randy Moss got hit with a weird restraining order weeks before the Super Bowl, defensive back Willie Andrews went driving with a half-pound of pot weeks after the Super Bowl, running back Kevin Faulk was caught with some hella-dank weed, lineman Nick Kazur was popped with Oxycodone before turning rat and helping authorities by wearing a wire(!), and Willie Andrews closed out the year with his second offense of the off-season: aiming a gun at his girlfriend's head. That's a mouthful.
KEY ADDITION: The rich get richer as safety Tank Williams brings previous DUI experience to the New England secondary.
KEY LOSS: You get to this level of success by not making the wrong moves. Hence, no losses.
PREDICTION: As long as Bill Belichick and his questionable parental skills are at the helm, this team has a chance for Bengals-like greatness. Expect nothing less than a rash of full-blown ritualistic rape/murders.
Last year's rap sheet: No arrests.
As is the case in real football, the talentless Jets spent their time in the symbolic basement with no arrests.
KEY ADDITION: Needing any kind of jolt, the Jets signed offensive lineman Damien Woody who, while never arrested, did have an ex-girlfriend file a complaint because he was harassing her with late-night phone calls and drive-by stare downs. That's a start.
KEY LOSS: No news is good news in this case.
PREDICTION: The Jets are cellar dwellers for a reason. No arrests.
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AFC NORTH
Last year's rap sheet: Assault of ex-teammate, possession of marijuana, domestic violence.
Before The Wire brought the rough urban climate of Baltimore to the masses (the three dozen people who watched it, anyway), Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis put Bodymore, Murderland, on the NFL blotter map for his role in a murder case. Since then, arrests have been the norm, with quarterbacks getting DUIs (Steve McNair) and running backs serving time in jail during the off-season (Jamal Lewis). This year was no different as safety Gerome Sapp was charged with assault (against a former teammate, no less), Derrick Martin was busted with pot, and cornerback Fabian Washington was caught kicking around his lady friend.
KEY ADDITION: Cornerback Frank Walker, who spent the '05 Super Bowl behind bars for driving around in a stolen car.
KEY LOSS: McNair, who announced his retirement to pursue more alcohol-driven goals.
PREDICTION: One of the true crass acts in professional sports, the Ravens would get more attention if they didn't have the misfortune of sharing a division with the dynastic Bengals. Look for them to change that this year with a daring daylight armed robbery.
Last year's rap sheet: Two assault charges.
What more is there to say about the Pride of Cincinnati after its historic run of 10 arrests within a 14-month period? Like Michael Phelps' run of eight gold medals, it's a record that will not soon be touched. But are these tigers changing their stripes? After his fifth arrest, blotter icon Chris Henry was finally released from the team. Quincy Wilson, previously arrested for "failure to disperse after a wedding party" was waived. Even more of a sign of the times was former Bengal Matthias Askew actually receiving $500,000 from the city for a wrongful arrest. Luckily, linebacker Ahmad Brooks saved a wasted year by punching a woman in the eye.
KEY ADDITION: Rookie Jason Shirley and his DUI will try to return this team to glory. Most recently, the Bengals went ahead and amusingly re-signed Chris Henry and his five arrests. That can only help.
KEY LOSS: Odell Thurman, the less violent Scottie Pippin to Henry's more felonious Michael Jordan, was suspended for all of '08 for a variety of drug offenses.
PREDICTION: It seems like this year is going to be one of rehabilitation for the old pros. As such, don't expect many scuffles with the fuzz. Let's keep it simple and predict a third-degree manslaughter charge.
Last year's rap sheet: Driving backwards at an airport, harassment of gay individuals, possession of marijuana, evading arrest.
One of the oddest collection of crimes started slow with cornerback Leigh Bodden driving the wrong way at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport (the same place Jane Fonda was arrested for disturbing the peace back in 1970, when she was hot!), but then received a shot in the arm when new quarterback Brady Quinn was caught overcompensating for his own sexual doubts by shouting gay insults at gay passersby outside a Columbus bar. Gay. Defensive back Kenny Wright closed the year out by possessing pot and leading police on a most likely hilarious quarter-mile foot chase.
KEY ADDITION: Wide receiver Donte Stallworth, who was arrested in '06 after refusing to hang up his cellphone and turn off his engine after a traffic stop.
KEY LOSS: The previously mentioned Kenny Wright, probably because the team was dismayed at his lack of elusiveness with the police.
PREDICTION: At some point in the upcoming season you'll read the following words in the newspaper: "Brady Quinn, Fah-laming Arsonist."
Last year's rap sheet: Domestic violence, child endangerment, unlawful restraint, two girlfriend assaults, mascot DUI.
Domestic violence reigned supreme in Steeler Country last year. Running back Najeh Davenport slapping and choking his baby-mama begat linebacker James Harrison hitting his lady with an open hand (like Sean Connery!) begat wideout Cedrick Wilson punching out his ex. These Steelers sure can't control their women! Best of all, these incidents led the actor who plays Steelers mascot Steely McBeam to the bottle, as he was busted for drunk driving.
KEY ADDITION: Re-signing offensive tackle Max Starks, making sure he sticks on the team long enough to get busted for his fetishistic refusal to pay parking tickets.
KEY LOSS: Linebacker Clark Haggans, who got 10 days in the slammer back in '04 for a DUI.
PREDICTION: Expect a brief hiatus in violence as the Steelers enter the "make-up" phase of their awful relationships. No arrests.
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AFC SOUTH
Last year's rap sheet: Evading arrest, wife-choking, DUI.
Offensive lineman Chester Pitts got things started last season by speeding off during a traffic stop before the wide receivers took over: Jerome Mathis choked his common-law wife, six months pregnant at the time, and Jacoby Jones got a DUI.
KEY ADDITION: No additives.
KEY LOSS: Letting preggo-choker Mathis escape to the Redskins is a huge blunder; he's clearly destined for bigger and longer jail sentences.
PREDICTION: While someone will inevitably try to fill the blotter void left by Mathis, the prediction here is that the attempt will be nothing but petty theft.
Last season's rap sheet: Disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, public intoxication, weird shooting investigation.
Kenton Keith's claim of "I'm a Colts player, I'm a Colts player!" to police while resisting arrest outside a nightclub probably hurt his cause more than it helped. For whatever reason, Colts running backs can't handle their liquor: Former Colts RB Dominic Rhodes got his own DUI last year. The strangest story to come out of the off-season, however, was star wideout Marvin Harrison's involvement in a bar shooting. Harrison, a generally choir-boyish, hardworking, blue-collar kind of player (think: the anti-T.O.) got into an argument in his bar and, at some point, guns started going off. Details are still sketchy, but it's kind of awesome that the timid Harrison has a gun fetish, taking it so far as owning a rare Belgian Fabrique Nationale 5.7 gun, capable of piercing "48 levels of Kevlar from 50 meters away." Speak softly and carry a big stick, indeed!
KEY ADDITION: Seeing their lack of "actual" police activity (again, nice try, Marvin), the Colts went with its tried-and-true method of collecting alcohol running backs by bringing Dominic Rhodes back into the fold. Besides the previously mentioned DUI, he brings with him a domestic battery charge, and a feisty wife who got her own assault charge after smacking a 22-year-old woman who was having dinner with Rhodes. Catfight!
KEY LOSS: None.
PREDICTION: The thing about speaking softly and carrying those big sticks is that, every now and then, you have to use those sticks, just to prove you will. Look for Marvin to take someone out in a high-profile assassination.
Last year's rap sheet: Two DUIs, resisting arrest, battery of a senior citizen, reckless driving, cocaine possession.
As is the case in the actual football season, the Jaguars seem to fly under the radar when it comes to blotter activity. Whether it's because of where they play (so much crazy shit happens in Florida already) or because, like their on-the-field late-season failures, they just can't get over the hump (no high-profile murder cases). But at least they're still putting up a valiant effort. Offensive tackle Richard Collier and linebacker Justin Durant got arrested in separate incidents on the same day, the former for a DUI and the latter for "not going peacefully." After that, things really started to take off as 300-pound lineman Stocker McDougle pushed down an old man, defensive end Brett Hawkins got a DUI, safety Gerald Sensabaugh was caught doing wheelies on his motorcycle, and receiver Matt Jones was arrested with some foo-foo dust.
KEY ADDITION: Second-round draft pick Quentin Groves, who brings with him two arrests, one for pussily not having car insurance and another for a more manly domestic dispute.
KEY LOSS: Defensive end Bobby McCray, who took his reckless driving and possession of a controlled painkiller charges to New Orleans.
PREDICTION: We expected this year to be another disappointment with only a misdemeanor assault charge or two, but if the recent accusations that wide receiver Dennis Northcutt , angered that his ex-girlfriend refused to abort their child, had a cousin "maliciously assault, beat, strike and batter... her face and head with great force and violence ... causing severe and permanent disfigurement to her face" pan out, things may be a bit more interesting in Jacksonville.
Last year's rap sheet: Destruction of property, unlawful possession of a handgun, DUI.
Having the ability to rely on Pacman Jones' lengthy rap sheet will make any team complacent, which was the main culprit behind the Titans' poor showing this past year. Luckily for Music City fans, the team has been fixing this momentary lapse of nonreason with three arrests over the past six months: Running back LenDale White was cited for destroying property, wide receiver/terrorist Brandon Jones tried to get a loaded handgun through airport security, and recent signee Jevon Kearse got a DUI. Things are looking up!
KEY ADDITION: Undrafted rookie safety Tony Joiner, who was the senior captain of the infamous Florida Gator team that had eight arrests in nine months, including his own for trying to break his girlfriend's car out of an impound lot.
KEY LOSS: Obviously no one can fill the void left by Pacman, but don't discount the impact losing defensive end Bryce Fisher and his domestic battery charge will have on the team's morale.
PREDICTION: A team is allowed an off-year every now and then, so don't be surprised if the Titans get back on track this season with a few rapes.
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AFC WEST
Last year's rap sheet: Two DUIs, kicking a cabbie, harassment, driving with a revoked license, possession of cocaine, disobeying a lane assignment.
My, oh, my. There's something brewing in the Denver air, or lack thereof. That's a rap sheet for the history books. Brandon Marshall, the wily blotter veteran, led by example with two arrests, beginning the busy off-season with a DUI last October and then closing out matters with a traffic violation this past June. But it was the scrubs who proved the most valuable: Third-string quarterback Darrell Hackney traded in his clipboard for some drunk driving, fourth-string running back Andre Hall drove with a revoked license, backup defensive lineman Marcus Thomas was caught with cocaine, and punter Todd Sauerbrun got into the mix by harassing a cab driver. But tight end Daniel Graham showed the backups why he's a starter by damaging a bedpost during a fight with his ex-girlfriend.
KEY ADDITION: Running back Michael Pittman, who brings his record of multiple domestic abuse (including ramming his wife's car with his Hummer) into the prestigious Broncos organization.
KEY LOSS: Travis Henry. While the running back has never had a police encounter, he has fathered nine children by nine different women, so you know it's only a matter of time before he gets desperate to make his massive monthly child-support payments.
PREDICTION: Duplicating a majestic season like last will be near impossible, but you can't fault the Broncos for trying. Expect a few hit-and-runs at the least. At the most, an act of treason.
Last year's rap sheet: No arrests.
When you're playing in the shadow of Broncos-style greatness, you can excuse a team for taking itself out of the running and instead focusing on the future.
KEY ADDITION: Just to make sure fans know this is a rebuilding year, the Chiefs signed offensive tackle Anthony Alabi, who has a degree in criminal justice from Texas Christian.
KEY LOSS: Jared Allen, he of the multiple-DUI Allens, takes the long drive to Minnesota, if he can find a way to trick his in-car Breathalyzer.
PREDICTION: The Chiefs' game plan is solid, albeit a bit disappointing. A team dismissing its chances before the first regular-season snap has to be disheartening for the fans. As it stands, expect another quiet season from these Glass Joes. No arrests.
Last year's rap sheet: DUI, Tasering, domestic battery.
It was a relatively quiet year for Raider Nation, with most of the police activity on the periphery of the franchise. Ex-star QB Ken Stabler netted his third DUI charge, and new WR Javon Walker was found unconscious on a Vegas street after a robbery. But neither of these incidents can be considered part of the actual off-season tally. The only two "official" incidents involved practice squad Josh Booty getting a good ol' DUI-Tasering combo, and cornerback Fabian Washington grabbing his girlfriend's neck.
KEY ADDITION: Last year's fourth overall draft pick Darren McFadden was a no-brainer once the team saw his sordid bar-fighting past. This one still has room to grow.
KEY LOSS: Safety Greg Wesley, who was signed during the off-season but already released. Perhaps the team felt his days of lunging at bouncers was behind him.
PREDICTION: A jaywalking fine.
Last year's rap sheet: No arrests.
Taking a page from the Chiefs' playbook, the Chargers found it in their best interest to lay low this off-season. The only story of note was the death of former Chargers safety Terrance Kiel in a car accident. Kiel was arrested in 2006 by DEA agents in the team locker room after illegally shipping cough syrup to Texas.
KEY ADDITION: The Chargers got a steal in the draft with sixth-round pick DeJuan Tribble, who was at the exact same bar fight as Lions' first-round pick Gosder Cherilus. That's a tribute to San Diego's great scouting system.
KEY LOSS: Offensive lineman Shane Olivea, who was on the verge of greatness with his drug-and-booze-fueled lifestyle.
PREDICTION: There's no reason to expect anything more than a weak reckless driving charge, but since this is the last prediction, let's go hog wild and say that someone's going to get caught running a kiddy porn ring. Probably coach Norv Turner. He looks kinda creepy.
08/27/08 8:43 PM
Related: Scandal
Related: Scandal
Posted by: Snakefinger on September 5, 2008 11:47 AM
Keith Davis is back on the Cowboys after getting cut by Miami. Fire off a few rounds in celebration.