Inside the world's elite secret societies

These days, when any icky nouveau riche can buy a Gulfstream jet and show his face at Davos, the real ruling class has to do something to distinguish themselves from the plebes. When you're a true member of what David Rothkopf, a visiting scholar at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, refers to as the "superclass," you belong to exclusive and often secretive clubs that keep out the moneyed riffraff. Membership in one of the following four groups is essential if you want to count yourself among the upper reaches of society. Of course, any closed society is bound to have detractors, those sad little men and women outside the gilded gates who claim that the members of the superclass secretly pull the strings of all the world's governments and continue to oppress the poor and middle classes. But, as any true member of the superclass knows, the oppression is half the fun.

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BOHEMIAN GROVE
Famous Attendees: Walter Cronkite, David Rockefeller, Henry Kissinger, Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, George H.W. Bush, William F. Buckley, Herbert Hoover
Founded: 1872
Motto: "Weaving Spiders, Come Not Here"

Perched on the banks of the Russian River, 70 miles north of San Francisco, the ultra-exclusive, all-male Bohemian Club owns a 2,700-acre summer retreat known as Bohemian Grove. Referred to by Richard Nixon as "the most faggy goddamned thing you could ever imagine," the Grove appears to be little more than a shit-faced summer camp for the world's wealthy and powerful men, replete with fart jokes and outdoor group urination. The totem of the Grove is the owl, and the image of the big-eyed bird is festooned all over the Grove campgrounds. There is a ceremony central to the Grove summer respite called the Cremation of Care, in which a dummy signifying the cares of the world is burned in front of a concrete owl, whose voice is provided by Walter Cronkite. In addition, each year the dignified men of the Grove perform in a variety show called the Low Jinks, which is mostly an outlet for Puerto Rican jokes and dressing in women's clothing.

Despite its ribald patina and the Grove's rule of not talking shop, when you get heads of state and captains of industry drunk in the woods, some world-altering deals get sealed. Reagan's Star Wars defense initiative reportedly had its origins under the Grove's redwood trees, and rumors persist that the atomic bomb–producing Manhattan Project began at the Boho's enclave. According to Philip Weiss, who infiltrated Bohemian Grove for Spy in 1989, "Politicians say there is no place like the Grove to help get a campaign rolling." And more recently, a rumor circulated that Arnold Schwarzenegger was hand-picked by California Republican bigwigs to run for governor at the 2003 retreat. In addition, Grove detractors say that prostitution runs rampant on the Russian River. But really, why get drunk in the woods without a prostitute?

MASONS
Famous Members: Winston Churchill, Bob Dole, Gerald Ford, Thurgood Marshall, Mark Twain, William Howard Taft, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Ben Franklin, George Washington, Andrew Jackson
Founded: Disputed. Some claim Freemasonry began in the 11th century, others say it started in the 17th century.
Motto: "Ordo ab Chao" (Order out of Chaos)

Though some like to say the Knights of the Templar, late-11th century Christian Crusaders, begat the modern-day Freemasons, most historians feel that the origins of Freemasonry were with actual masons—stonemasons in 17th century Britain who began secretive craft guilds to conceal specialized trade knowledge. The first American Freemason's lodge was erected in Boston in 1733, and members of this lodge led the Boston Tea Party. Fifty-one signers of the Declaration of Independence were Freemasons and 14 presidents have been out and proud Masons.

So what does being a Mason actually entail? According to John Lawrence Reynolds in his book Secret Societies: Inside the World's Most Notorious Organizations, Freemasons are ranked by degrees from one to 33. The first degree is bestowed upon membership, which is granted after the new member engages in a "secret ritual." With thousands of separate Mason lodges in the United States alone, that ritual varies greatly from lodge to lodge, but essentially involves getting blindfolded and entering a closed room. The room symbolizes the "Inner Sanctum of Freemasonry."

Once inside, you answer questions about Masonic principles and you promise not to reveal any lodge secrets. Then a compass is pressed to your chest, and you're asked, "What do you desire?" Your answer: "More light." After that, you can take off your blindfold and check out your fellow members of the inner sanctum.

Since the Freemasons have been around since the inception of the country, there are thousands of wacko conspiracy rumors tied to them. In the 19th century, it was said that the Masons worshiped Satan. More recently the Masons have been accused of plotting JFK's death and faking Neil Armstrong's 1969 moon landing. Lately, though, all the Masons could be accused of faking are their real teeth: Most powerful Masons are either dead or dying. Masonic membership has dwindled so exponentially—there are 54,000 Masons in New York State, down from a peak of 346,413 in 1929—that lodges around the country are actively recruiting new members and sharing lodge secrets with people who haven't even entered the Inner Sanctum. Sluts!

TRILATERAL COMMISSION
Famous Members: Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Walter Mondale, Dick Cheney, John McCain, Henry Kissinger, Alan Greenspan, Paul Wolfowitz, Dianne Feinstein, Katharine Graham
Founded: 1973

The Trilateral Commission was founded in 1973 by David Rockefeller, and is, according to the organization's website, a "policy-oriented discussion group of about 350 distinguished citizens from Western Europe, North America and Pacific Asia formed to encourage mutual understanding and closer cooperation among these three regions on common problems." Admission to these annual discussions, known by cheeky detractors as the TLC, is by invitation only (the most recent was in late April in Washington). The TLC membership is public, it holds press conferences, and its task force reports are widely available.

Sounds on the up and up, so why is the TLC so often accused of conspiracies, from trying to create a single government that controls the world to running the international drug trade? It's mainly because of the high stature of the TLC's member list and the closed-door nature of its meetings. Conspiracy theorists had a field day when Jimmy Carter, who was a member of the TLC before he was president—elected officials are barred from meetings—hired more than a dozen TLC attendees (including current TLC executive committee member Zbigniew Brzezinski) to his administration.

According to a 1992 Washington Post article about the TLC, fringe political candidate and professional yahoo Lyndon LaRouche claimed, "With the takeover by the Trilateral Commission of the United States government, through Jimmy Carter, there was an explosion of the drug culture and related degeneracy throughout the country."

Even some famous fans of hyperbole have come out against the TLC. In 1989, Public Enemy's Professor Griff asked a D.C. audience, "Who runs this world?" and then answered himself, "The Trilateral Commission." Griff also linked the TLC to a global Jewish cabal in a later interview, says the WaPo. Screw him. Everyone knows that Flavor Flav has the best conspiracy theories.

BILDERBERG GROUP
Famous Members: Henry Kissinger, Jon Corzine, Henry Heinz, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Katherine Graham, George Stephanopolous, Paul Wolfowitz
Founded: 1954

The Bilderberg Group is similar to the Trilateral Commission: It convenes yearly to informally discuss matters of international policy. However, unlike the Trilateral Commission, the Bilderbergers do not publicize their membership, reveal their agenda, or hold press conferences. An invitation to a Bilderberg Group powwow is even more coveted than a Trilateral bid in rarified circles. According to Secret Societies by Philip Gardiner, the first meeting of the Bilderberg Group, arranged by Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands, was at the Hotel de Bilderberg in Holland in 1954. C.D. Jackson, Eisenhower's psychological warfare coordinator, was behind the formation of the American wing of the Bilderbergers. Gardiner reports that the CIA provided the original funding for the meeting, and subsequent funding was mostly from the Ford Foundation.

Since there is so little known for certain about what goes on during the Bilderberg conventions, the conspiracy theories are vast and histrionic. The most violent anti-government types, including Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh, Osama bin Laden, and London nail-bomber David Copeland are all said to believe that the Bilderbergers control all international governments. In 2004, the BBC noted that some Serbs think the Bilderbergers are responsible "for triggering the war which led to the downfall of Slobodan Milosevic." Another popular theory among the tinfoil hat—wearing set is that international support for the Iraq war stemmed from the 2002 Bilderberg Group meeting. Only attendees know for sure what goes on at these soirees, but they probably have excellent caviar.