(continued)

His main concern about the book is that it dates him. "I'm worried that so many of the references are specific to my pop culture chronology. Like Jennifer Grey's old nose; I know what that means, but I can imagine some 18-year-old kid having no idea what the fuck I'm talking about."

Once there are socialites drunk and barfing in bars and chairing benefits the next day, that's just gay, whether anybody involved is actually homosexual or notSome of the rejected ideas on Derfner's quest were doing drag (a day at Miss Vera's Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls cured him of that), becoming a fireman (he's too old), infiltrating a conservative politician's campaign à la Dan Savage, and joining the mile high club (well, working as a flight attendant). When he found out he'd have to leave New York for at least six weeks of training, that option was out. But when his editor pressed him for something more "subversive" than joining Cheer New York, he decided to attend the 30th annual Freedom Conference put on by ex-gay organization Exodus International, where he encounters men who hit on him, and, stranger still, Anne Heche's mom.

This chapter, the final one in the book, is the one he feels has changed him the most, and in ways you might not expect. "It showed me that the run-of-the-mill evangelist Christian is actually really nice and altruistic. Not the leaders of the Religious Right. The guy or girl next door, though, they really want us not to burn in hell. In their opinion, laws that make it easier to be gay make it easier for Satan to take our souls and so they don't want that to happen. From their perspective, they're trying to do something good. It's compassionate." These are surprising words to hear from someone who has staked his public career on his homosexuality.

Yet he hasn't become fully enamored of their beliefs; namely, that one can simply will away one's homosexuality. "I think it's immutable. To try to get rid of these feelings, it's like saying, 'I'm gonna grow two inches, and then I'll be happy. I'll just try really hard and pray and Jesus will let me grow two inches.' They think of it differently, but they're wrong."

Derner is grateful to live in a time when gay authors such as Augusten Burroughs, David Rakoff, and David Sedaris can find mainstream success. "That wouldn't have happened in the '80s," he says. Derfner contends that we're living in a time when gayness is inherent in pop culture, making his quest perhaps that much more challenging. "Once there are socialites drunk and barfing in bars and chairing benefits the next day, that's just gay, whether anybody involved is actually homosexual or not. Like on Desperate Housewives, you have a woman in a ball gown mowing her lawn in secret at night. That's gay."

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