(continued)

Uh-oh. Alarm bells should have rung right there.
Whatever. I was trying to be the next Madonna, so he was a god to me. Phil said, "Oh, baby, I'll take you to the studio." He was drunk and coked up. Coke was like a full-time job for me back then. (I used to do drugs in the '80s. Now I do 'em at any temperature.)

He took me to a suite on Central Park South, made me blow him—with a gun to my head. So I started singing "Be My Baby," saying, "I love you, Phil, please don't hurt me." I think he killed that poor girl. She certainly didn't kill herself. His dick wasn't too big—that I remember.

Probably why he needs the gun. Didn't you also get in a tussle with Richard Pryor?
Yes. He was totally nuts. I was at a dinner with him and Andy Kaufman, and he said, "Wanna do coke with me and Miles Davis?" Hell, yeah. We went to a really sleazy hotel, no Miles, no coke. That's right, I hung out with Richard Pryor the one night he ain't got coke! Then he forced himself on me. If you're going to get raped, make sure it's by a celebrity.

I had the same manager as Billy Joel. But Billy Joel wound up at Columbia, and I wound up in a women's shelter. Every time I hear "Piano Man," I go, "Oh, shit"What does the future hold for Sandy Kane?
I just filmed a pilot for Comedy Central with Opie and Anthony, with lots of big-name comics. I'm going to do the Naked Cowgirl and perform in Times Square. I figure someone's gotta fucking do it. After all, I started out a singer-songwriter, playing guitar. Now I just rewrite songs, so "I Wanna Hold your Hand" becomes "I Wanna Hold Your Gland."

Oh, I'm quite familiar with your oeuvre!
People love my "Gloria," more than Laura Branigan's original. People fly in from Texas to see it. I released a few records way back, one on MGM. The guy that managed me also had Billy Joel. Billy Joel wound up on Columbia, I wound up in a women's shelter, having lost everything. Every time I hear "Piano Man," I go, "Oh, shit."

You're on Opie and Anthony's show quite a bit, but they abuse you pretty terribly. Are you a masochist?
They always make me a loser, they love to abuse me. I love them, though, and Howard Stern, too, who's really a total gentleman.

Getting down to the real dirty bits, who's this "Twatto" you've talked about on air? Sounds like a little chihuahua.
Oh, Twatto is a growth on my vagina, or right above it. One day he showed up. I swear I got it from shaving. So now he's on the radio with me. On the Opie & Anthony Show, Anthony named it Twatto. He's Twattos godfather. I did the show with Carrot Top. You know him?

Oh, God, yes. As a redhead, I fucking hate him. I know he called Twatto the grossest thing he's ever seen. Guess he hasn't looked in the mirror lately.
Whatever. I'd take his career. He plays Vegas all the fucking time. Besides, he dyes that shit, and wears a piece. I'm not the spring chicken, hot shit new comic. Like that hot chick on E! late night.

Who, Chelsea Handler? She ain't that funny. Plus, she lies about her age—says she's 32. She has shoes that are 32.
Whatever, she's very hot. She should put me on her show. She looks great—she doesn't need to lie about her age. Don't hustle a hustler!

Now the requisite politics question: Who are you going to vote for?
I have never voted.

That's refreshing—most people just bullshit you and say Barack.
I would vote for Hillary, or Obama maybe. Everyone says what a great speaker he is. I've heard him twice and didn't like him! JFK he isn't.

BEGGING YOUR PARTON Sandy Kane's ode to Dolly's ladybits

Tell me about your "Parton Me, Dolly" project. Frankly, I don't trust people who don't like Dolly Parton.
People always think I'm Dolly Parton. I'm a little jealous of her. I cover her song "Here You Come Again (In My Mouth)." She made that right here in NYC. So I'm doing this movie, covering her songs. Now all of a sudden her career is doing great, she's doing Nine to Five on Broadway, touring, American Idol.

Do you feel personally responsible for her comeback?
Yes! And my songs are better than Dolly Parton's!

What?! She's the best. Let's not get in a fight here, Sandy.
I recently wrote a song to Jesus: "I Love to Worship." It's a great song and Jesus loves it when I sing it to him. He's always been there for me.

Wow—you're a Jew for Jesus. What do you want God to say to you when you arrive at the pearly gates?
I never want to arrive at the goddamned pearly gates. Fuck that. But I guess I'd like him to say, "Keep it up, bitch. Keep going."

Any message for your fans?
Just follow your dreams, whether they're wet or dry. You're not going to be an asshole to me in this article, are you?

---

Watch Sandy Kane's Midnight Blew every Friday Night on New York City's MNN Time Warner Channel 57.

For more info and performance dates, visit:
Myspace.com/sandykane.

READ MORE
• Welcome to Miami: Steven Gaines interviews novelist Brian Antoni on sex, scandal, and South Beach—America's other Sin City
• In the Name of Dov: An American Apparel model's defense of the controversial CEO
• Today's Top Stories