Radar outs closeted childhood icons

Harry Potter scribe J.K. Rowling's revelation that Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, is actually a gay wizard has shocked many Potter fans, but hardcore readers have always been attuned to his latent homosexuality.

For starters, Dumbledore is repeatedly described by Rowling as having a "twinkle" in his blue eyes—coincidentally, the same eye color as bathroom patrolman and fellow friend of Dorothy Sen. Larry Craig. Dumbledore is also a flamboyant dresser, fond of flowing, colorful robes, and expresses a particular zest for decorating the Great Hall before feasts. His weapon of choice—fire—is literally flaming, and it's not a stretch to connect his insatiable sweet tooth to a protracted battle with 'mo-favored party drug crystal meth. (Can Meth Mouth be far off?). Dumbledore even bears an uncanny resemblance to Gandalf from J.R.R. Tolkein's supergay Lord of the Rings series—a character, mind you, played by none other than the openly man-loving Sir Ian McKellen. There are no two ways about it: Dumbledore's been light in the wizard slippers all along.

But the fact that so many millions of Potter fans never picked up on such obvious signs got us thinking: what other beloved children's characters are out there, but not actually out? Radar has compiled a list.

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	Vanity Smurf, The Smurfs While many of the Smurfs seemed to bat for the other team, Vanity Smurf outgayed 'em all (and reinforced Freud's theory of homosexuality as a "prototype of narcissistic development") by wearing a floppy hat festooned with a pink flower and toting around an ever-present hand mirror.
Ramona Quimby, Beverly Cleary's Ramona Quimby Series The severe bowl cut. The tomboy tendencies. The platonic friendship with neighbor boy Howie Kemp that, curiously, never once ended in a game of doctor. Could there be any doubt that, had Beverly Cleary extended her series into Ramona's later years, we'd have titles like Ramona Quimby Plays College Softball or Ramona Hops Aboard Rosie's Family Cruise?
	Willy Wonka, Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory The Candyman lived alone with only his (all male) Oompa Loompas; lacking an heir of his own, he lured young pre-teens like Charlie Bucket into his lair with the promise of unlimited sweets. We can only assume what he dined on for dessert. Note: the remarkably fey Gene Wilder, who starred in the book's splashy musical movie version, did nothing to bolster the case for Willy's heterosexuality. Also: he LIVES IN A CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Come on.
Happy, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Grumpy needed Prozac; Sneezy needed Claritin. But Happy, with his mindless joyful disposition and slackjawed enthusiasm for nearly everything, clearly just needed some Dwarf dick. Rumors that the character was originally named "Twinky" are also cause for suspicion.
	Jo March, Louisa May Alcott's Little Women A tomboy with a rather unladylike roughness to her character, Jo secured her place in the pantheon of closet cases after rejecting a marriage proposal from ardent young buck Laurie. She also cut off her long hair—her "one beauty" according to the novel—in favor of the DeGeneres bob.
Absolutely everyone from A Separate Peace Because there are few things gayer than a novel about innocence lost at a buttoned up all-male boarding school in rural New England.
	Samwise Gangee, J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings As those who have seen Thelma and Louise can attest, everyone is apt to get a little queer on a road trip, though Samwise's trek with Frodo from the Shire to Mordor tops them all. The homo Hobbit love is so blatant that the only question is who's the top and who's the bottom (for our money, we'd go with Samwise as bottom—after all, he's the one who cooked, cleaned, kept watch, and carried all the supplies).
Mr Tumnus, C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe The half-man half-faun creature who first meets Lucy Pevensie when she passes through the magical wardrobe is unquestionably a "confirmed bachelor." At 100 years of age he lives alone, yet maintains a kitchen that is extremely well-stocked with tea and cakes. He claims that his close friends are a couple known as "Mr. and Mrs. Beaver," but his interactions with the pair are brief, overwhelmingly formal, and fraught with a barely concealed loathing. Before eternal winter came to Narnia, Mr. Tumnus was a fan of "midnight dances" in the "woods," the Narnian equivalent of the Castro.
	The Grinch, How The Grinch Stole Christmas Why did The Grinch hate The Whos? Was it really because "his heart was two sizes too small"? Or was it actually a lingering resentment of one particular Who, who, one drunken sweaty night at the boathouse after the Who prom, rejected the advances of a young, confused Grinch making his first fumbling attempts to express the feelings he had toward members of his own gender? Dr. Seuss claimed that no one quite knew the reason, but we're pretty sure that this was it.