After Victoria Osteen, wife of super mega-preacher Joel Osteen, elbowed flight attendant Sharon Brown in the tit last December, Brown become so distraught that her ass grew hemorrhoids. At least that's what she's claiming in a civil suit seeking an apology and 10 percent of Osteen's net worth. The incident, which took place on board a Continental Airlines flight, involved Osteen becoming enraged because her first-class seat was marred by a quarter-size dollop of unidentifiable liquid. She allegedly manhandled Brown and another flight attendant, stormed to the cockpit, and was eventually removed from the flight and fined $3,000. Brown is now suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and unsightly ass growths.

Osteen is being represented by Rusty Hardin, the lawyer who helped Roger Clemens dig himself into an embarrassing, steroid-filled hole earlier this year. Hardin has called the case "extortion masquerading as a lawsuit" and harshly criticized Brown for playing the "race card." (Brown claims that after manhandling her, Osteen insisted on speaking to "the only white girl on the plane.") Considering his representation of Clemens and a slew of other nefarious clients (Arther Andersen, ExxonMobil), hiring Hardin seems kind of like an admission of guilt.

But whatever happens in the case, the important thing is for women to learn an important lesson: taking an elbow in the jug could result in "swelling and inflammation of veins in the rectum and anus." Knowledge is power.