Has all that hard living finally caught up with Val Kilmer? Lettuce explain: In an interview in the December/January issue of BlackBook (the first completed under army of one Steve Garbarino), the oily actor outlines a bizarre plan to start an organic food company with packaging materials designed to parody those of Newman's Own. "My idea for the label is to have someone do a prosthetic job on me as Paul Newman, but instead of the drawing, it would be a photograph," he says.

ValZone would also appropriate Newman's practice of specifying exactly where the proceeds from the sale of each product go—except in Kilmer's case, the revenue would be earmarked not for charities but to support his lavish lifestyle. "It will all be 100 percent organic, 100 percent profit," he says. "Here's why: I like my GTO convertible. And if you've got a vintage car, you've got upkeep. I have two gorgeous children. My son's school costs more per year than my four years at Juilliard, plus rent and airfare back and forth."

Elsewhere in the issue, which hits stands tomorrow, British popstress Lily Allen bravely takes a stand against Paris Hilton's musical career: "People cheesy enough to buy albums like that should be killed."