STOCK-HOLMES SYNDROME: Katie gets all Patty Hearst on psychiatry expert Tom Cruise.

TEACHER’S PET: Director Steven Spielberg finally finds a suitable Drew Barrymore replacement in stunted starlet Dakota Fanning.

KILL ME NOW: Hen-pecked scratch master Adam Goldstein looks forward to a lifetime of Nicole Richie’s bitching.

VOICE OF REASON?: Radio Raj Howard Stern and girlfriend Beth Ostrosky are the most down-to-earth couple in the room.

PAGE TURNER: Padma Rushdie appears sans Salman to cheer for the aliens onscreen and off.

“JUST SAY YOU’RE AN EXTRA:” Spielberg’s daughter, Jessica Capshaw, and her Ritalin-prescribing husband, Christopher Gavigan (a child therapist), do their best to dodge Cruise.

SMILE THROUGH THE PAIN: Despite rumors to the contrary, Paula Wagner, Cruise’s producing partner for ten years, stands by her man.

THE OLD WIVES’ CLUB: Oscar-nominated actress Amy Irving (Yentl) and son Gabriel Barreto offer moral support to ex-husband Spielberg.

WHAT ABOUT KATIE?: Mumia-loving activist Tim Robbins poses and moves on.

BOOBS NOT BOMBS: Susan Sarandon and daughter Eva Amurri show some cleavage for world peace.

FUN, FEARLESS … FALLING OVER: Producer David Brown and his sexpot squeeze, Helen Gurley Brown, can’t wait to get back to bed.

ONE DAY, HE WILL BE MINE: Dakota casts her greedy gaze on Tom.

Check out more candid party snaps at PatrickMcMullan.com.